As part of World Childless Week, running from 16 to 22 September, Claire McCartney, CIPD Policy and Practice Manager, invited Shelleena Biddle to share her experience to help raise awareness of the childless not by choice community.   

Please note, the following contains sensitive information that may be triggering for people who are childless not through choice.  

World Childless Week enables every childless person to share their story with confidence and supports anyone who is childless despite their wish to be a parent. This could be because they have never been pregnant (for any reason), not carried full term or have suffered the sadness of a baby born sleeping.  

We are truly grateful to Shelley for sharing her experiences and journey to raise awareness and improve workplace practices and inclusion in this important area.   

We encourage employers to:   

• Recognise childlessness as a workplace inclusion issue   

• Ensure that the views of employees in a range of different circumstances influence needs in the workplace  

• Share helpful resources and support networks  

• Show sensitivity around language and family or child focused celebrations.   

Embracing Childlessness: Helping colleagues feel less isolated and included in the workplace 

Shelley’s story: Growing up in a large, lower-income family, I spent my early adult life focused on being the best I could be. I worked hard, studied diligently and put all my energy into advancing my career. The idea of having children felt like a complication I wasn’t ready to face, especially with my medical condition and the medications I was on. Motherhood wasn’t a priority and I expected it to “just happen” one day if I wanted it to. I shelved the thought of starting a family, believing it was a reasonable choice given my focus on building a career.  

When I met my husband 18 years ago, I told him I didn’t think I wanted children. This decision seemed rational at the time, but as I watched friends and family start their own families, I began to wonder if I was missing out. I went through a lot of medical tests and procedures, but with every test there was another setback.  

By this time I hit 42, my age and medical history made it feel too late. We explored various options, IVF being one, but like many others we simply couldn’t afford it. Moreover, the success rates for IVF decline significantly with age, with the most recent research suggesting the percentage of IVF treatments resulting in a live birth was only 2.9% for women my age.   

This didn’t feel like a safe gamble given my already poor wellbeing and the financial strain involved. Adoption crossed our minds, but it wasn’t for us.   

For several long years, we lived in uncertainty, and the grief of being unable to have children – a grief that no one else knew about – silently pushed me into a deep depression. I cried alone in the shower where the water would wash away my tears without anyone noticing, hidden from the world, as the weight of this unspoken grief grew heavier. I put a mask on in public. Eventually, a coach at work helped me bring my situation to the fore and I sought counselling from an amazing scheme at work, which allowed me to confront my emotions and find some relief.  

After doing a lot of research, I discovered that I wasn’t alone, many others were struggling with childlessness not by choice. This realisation led me to speak out about my situation and I even established a support group at work, creating a safe space for people to share their experiences. The group provided comfort and connection, helping us navigate the difficult journey of coming to terms with our circumstances.  

Accepting childlessness has been one of the hardest challenges of my life. The grief is often unseen and unacknowledged - what Jody Day, founder of Gateway Women now called the Childless Collective, calls a ‘disenfranchised grief’. This hidden pain can deeply affect mental health, making it hard to move forward.  

In both the UK and the USA, nearly one in five women reach midlife without children, with many being childless by circumstance rather than by choice. The research for men is less documented. The reality of childlessness is complex, it includes medical and social infertility that is often driven by factors beyond one’s control, such as not finding the right partner, your partner being infertile, needing to prioritise saving money for a home or to pay off debts, or being unable to become pregnant with eggs you froze when you were younger.   

The terms ‘childless’ and ‘childfree’ are often used interchangeably, but they carry different meanings. ‘Childfree’ usually implies a conscious decision not to have children, while ‘childless’ often means that being without children wasn’t a choice. For those of us who have not chosen to be childless, the world can feel overwhelmingly family-focused, making us feel excluded and alone.  

At work, childlessness is a topic often avoided. Casual questions about children or conversations dominated by family life can be painful and isolating. If someone opens up about their experience, it’s crucial to listen without offering unsolicited advice. Often, what we need most is to be heard and seen, without our pain being dismissed.  

Support groups online and in the workplace can offer connection and understanding, though they’re not for everyone. It still stings when asked if I have children, but I’ve become more emotionally stable, able to answer without tears. My advice to anyone struggling with childlessness is to reach out and share your experiences - you are not alone.  

Initiatives like World Childless Week are vital in raising awareness and providing support. They remind us all that this type of grief is valid. By embracing these stories and supporting our colleagues and friends, they can find healing and strength in their journey of acceptance.