Hi Carly, maybe go back to him and say you've been reflecting on the feedback and need a few more specifics in order to focus on the things you need to work on; would he be able to give you some further pointers. If he says, no then that's odd, so in theory, he's more likely to say a, b and a bit of c!

I've just taken a random paragraph out of one of the CIPD reports this year and things I notice are the conversational tone, the clear use of facts and figures, the breakdown of text into smaller points and the use of recognisable words, ie it's not too long winded or using overly flowery language. I was going to say it was low on jargon, but I think it isn't particularly (I've just become immune to HR jargon over the years!):

Selection and candidate
behaviour
• The most popular method
of selection this year is
competency-based interviews,
with just under four-fifths
making use of this selection
method. However, in general
the methods used to select
applicants follow a similar
pattern to previous years.
• An increasing proportion also
make use of distance interviews,
such as telephone (65%) and
video/Skype (52%), with private
sector organisations most likely
to use these methods.
• When it comes to candidate
behaviour, the majority of
candidates arrive promptly for
interviews, behave with sincerity
and provide accurate CVs, but
there is room for improvement
in the way candidates
communicate with potential
employers.

www.cipd.co.uk/.../surveys

HR blogs are another good source of writing you might find useful - check out the #hrblogs hashtag on twitter to catch up on the latest ones from a variety of authors.

Hi Carly
The best way to improve is to write more and read other people's writing more. English is not my first language and I found sometimes it could be difficult for a new HR professional to find his/her writing style and has an excellent writing skills immediately. I have been working in HR for about 2 years now, I would say it is just a matter of time. You don't need to worry too much, as long as you have tried your best.
Don't forget to get your colleague to check your email if necessary. I always ask for help with some tricky ones.