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Things you want to say to employees but can't because you're professional...

Robey

Partly as a bit of fun, but mostly as an opportunity to vent...

Employee: "So what's my motivation for getting up at 5am to be on site for 7am?"

What I wanted to say: "Keeping your f-ing job? The fact that we pay you a salary far in excess of what your meagre skillset, dubious intelligence and questionable competence deserves?"

What I actually said: "Your professional pride in the delivery of an excellent service that our clients appreciate."

Parents
  • Them, in a performance review meeting: "I've made an improvement, but I know I'm still 40% behind target of everyone else. But I made a good improvement, I don't understand why I'm on a PIP?! I'm doing good"

    In my head: "Because you a FORTY PERCENT behind average for your team, how can you not see that?! Stop chatting and do your job! Geez"

    What I actually said "You've made a really good start and shown us that you can do your job, but you just need to push a bit more so you can get in line with the average of your team, the targets are there to help you get to that"
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  • Them, in a performance review meeting: "I've made an improvement, but I know I'm still 40% behind target of everyone else. But I made a good improvement, I don't understand why I'm on a PIP?! I'm doing good"

    In my head: "Because you a FORTY PERCENT behind average for your team, how can you not see that?! Stop chatting and do your job! Geez"

    What I actually said "You've made a really good start and shown us that you can do your job, but you just need to push a bit more so you can get in line with the average of your team, the targets are there to help you get to that"
Children
  • in reply to Melanie
    Recently I have said what I wanted to say in a different way:
    Employee on probation that started at the end of July 2018: When I was taken on my manager agreed that I could have 8 weeks off. I gave her a list and now she`s saying I can`t have next week off, I know I`ve just had three weeks off but I have an event I have to attend.

    Me: I`ve looked into this and the three weeks were approved and that`s unusual, but you have had that now and there`s been a misunderstanding because none of your other holiday requests have been agreed. You need to be at work as you are still in your probation and you need to be here to be assessed. Besides you have not worked long enough to have accrued all the holiday you are asking for. Nobody here has 8 weeks holiday anyway, so it could not have been approved.

    What I wanted to say was ' I `d like to have 8 weeks holiday even though I am not entitled to it and fig everybody else. Why don`t you have your holiday next week and DON`T COME BACK!!'
  • in reply to Caroline Veronica De Silva
    Ah, the new recruit (who is, to be fair, otherwise excellent) who told us she would need to take every August off.

    What I said - after agreeing a shorter time off this year - was "well, let's look at that closer to the date". What I wanted to say was: "I like you, but hell no".