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Things you want to say to employees but can't because you're professional...

Robey

Partly as a bit of fun, but mostly as an opportunity to vent...

Employee: "So what's my motivation for getting up at 5am to be on site for 7am?"

What I wanted to say: "Keeping your f-ing job? The fact that we pay you a salary far in excess of what your meagre skillset, dubious intelligence and questionable competence deserves?"

What I actually said: "Your professional pride in the delivery of an excellent service that our clients appreciate."

Parents
  • moments when I have struggled to maintain my "neutral HR face" recently:
    - I have been here 11 months now, and it's been 5 months since I had a payrise so I think I should be paid more (your line manager thinks otherwise based on your performance since the last one)
    - it's been a complicated journey towards determining my sexuality but I am now sure that I'm (by this point I was mentally sticking my fingers in my ears yelling lalala)
    - I was shocked to realise that if I wanted to learn a new skill I would have to do it myself (er, yes, we can provide the materials but we can't learn it for you...)
    - why was my expenses claim for professional registration fees turned down? (Because it relates to your hobby not your job, and you didn't ask, you just sent us an invoice.)
    - why can't I continue to work full-time and get paid full-time while I do a full-time course for a year? (Er...really?)
    - some of my colleagues are teasing my about my hobby of pole fitness (may I suggest you stop demonstrating it in the kitchen?)
    [in response to asking about any skills they felt were under-used in their role] Well, I'm a really strong swimmer. (excellent, next time we need that on the 4th floor of a software co, I'll let you know).

    Can you tell I've just finished 80+ career development coaching sessions? I am people-d out!
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  • moments when I have struggled to maintain my "neutral HR face" recently:
    - I have been here 11 months now, and it's been 5 months since I had a payrise so I think I should be paid more (your line manager thinks otherwise based on your performance since the last one)
    - it's been a complicated journey towards determining my sexuality but I am now sure that I'm (by this point I was mentally sticking my fingers in my ears yelling lalala)
    - I was shocked to realise that if I wanted to learn a new skill I would have to do it myself (er, yes, we can provide the materials but we can't learn it for you...)
    - why was my expenses claim for professional registration fees turned down? (Because it relates to your hobby not your job, and you didn't ask, you just sent us an invoice.)
    - why can't I continue to work full-time and get paid full-time while I do a full-time course for a year? (Er...really?)
    - some of my colleagues are teasing my about my hobby of pole fitness (may I suggest you stop demonstrating it in the kitchen?)
    [in response to asking about any skills they felt were under-used in their role] Well, I'm a really strong swimmer. (excellent, next time we need that on the 4th floor of a software co, I'll let you know).

    Can you tell I've just finished 80+ career development coaching sessions? I am people-d out!
Children
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