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Things you want to say to employees but can't because you're professional...

Robey

Partly as a bit of fun, but mostly as an opportunity to vent...

Employee: "So what's my motivation for getting up at 5am to be on site for 7am?"

What I wanted to say: "Keeping your f-ing job? The fact that we pay you a salary far in excess of what your meagre skillset, dubious intelligence and questionable competence deserves?"

What I actually said: "Your professional pride in the delivery of an excellent service that our clients appreciate."

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  • Just when I think it goes through a quiet patch, my lovely employees provide me with more material for this thread!

    1. No, it's not possible I "made a typo" on your P60 because you "feel like I paid more tax than that". They are non-editable forms with data fed straight from your payslips (and if you want to 'threaten' me that you will check it by adding up all the tax from your payslips, you go right ahead. Oh you've lost 8 out of the 12 months' payslips and you'd like me to re-print them for you? My total pleasure, and that doesn't in any way make me doubt the accuracy of your perception of tax you've paid...)

    2. No, I can't backdate your pension contributions to February "because that's when you first reminded me my opt-out would run out in June and I meant to do something about it earlier but I forgot." I can enrol you right now, but only going forwards, due to not having an actual time machine.

    3. [This one from an interview candidate who pitched so relentlessly I felt like I was on the Apprentice board - we are NOT a pitch/sales-based industry so it was wildly off-base as an interview approach]:
    Candidate "So now that I've shown you all the amazing things I can do, it's time for you to give me a breakdown of how the interview's going. How close am I to getting the job?!"
    Me [out loud] I always give my full attention to each candidate during their interview, so I won't be taking an overview until after all the interviews have concluded.
    Me [in my head] Do NOT look at other panel member who I can feel trembling with either suppressed horror or hilarity. If I have to work with this person, I'll have to quit. WHO BRINGS THEIR INSTAGRAM FEED to an interview and makes the panel look at it? WHO???
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  • Just when I think it goes through a quiet patch, my lovely employees provide me with more material for this thread!

    1. No, it's not possible I "made a typo" on your P60 because you "feel like I paid more tax than that". They are non-editable forms with data fed straight from your payslips (and if you want to 'threaten' me that you will check it by adding up all the tax from your payslips, you go right ahead. Oh you've lost 8 out of the 12 months' payslips and you'd like me to re-print them for you? My total pleasure, and that doesn't in any way make me doubt the accuracy of your perception of tax you've paid...)

    2. No, I can't backdate your pension contributions to February "because that's when you first reminded me my opt-out would run out in June and I meant to do something about it earlier but I forgot." I can enrol you right now, but only going forwards, due to not having an actual time machine.

    3. [This one from an interview candidate who pitched so relentlessly I felt like I was on the Apprentice board - we are NOT a pitch/sales-based industry so it was wildly off-base as an interview approach]:
    Candidate "So now that I've shown you all the amazing things I can do, it's time for you to give me a breakdown of how the interview's going. How close am I to getting the job?!"
    Me [out loud] I always give my full attention to each candidate during their interview, so I won't be taking an overview until after all the interviews have concluded.
    Me [in my head] Do NOT look at other panel member who I can feel trembling with either suppressed horror or hilarity. If I have to work with this person, I'll have to quit. WHO BRINGS THEIR INSTAGRAM FEED to an interview and makes the panel look at it? WHO???
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