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Things you want to say to employees but can't because you're professional...

Robey

Partly as a bit of fun, but mostly as an opportunity to vent...

Employee: "So what's my motivation for getting up at 5am to be on site for 7am?"

What I wanted to say: "Keeping your f-ing job? The fact that we pay you a salary far in excess of what your meagre skillset, dubious intelligence and questionable competence deserves?"

What I actually said: "Your professional pride in the delivery of an excellent service that our clients appreciate."

  • in reply to Steve Bridger
    Well, since you brought it up, Steve...... :-)
  • in reply to Peter

    Peter: “...close our eyes, suspend disbelief, and remember where to find them...”. Sorry, are we still on unicorns or back to employees?

  • in reply to Teresa
    I was thinking of Unicorns, but there are distinct similarities. If I may reach back into musical associations such as those Ray mentioned earlier; the hunt for either Unicorns or perfect candidates to fill a given job description being an expedition also very well described in a song. It is one:

    "....Never ending or beginning on an ever spinning reel,
    As the images unwind, like the circles that you find,
    In the windmills of your mind!"

    The trick, professionally, is to allow ourselves to imagine the Unicorn, but accept that Unicorns are not designed to pull ploughs, so sometimes by hiring a shire-horse and simply accepting it will never fly (or spread glitter), we might nevertheless serve our needs better.

    (With the addition of a little HR professional magic to make the fit perfect)

    P :-)
  • Ha ha :-) I've enjoyed reading these comments.

    A recent omg/facepalm moment for me was a senior employee asking for her annual airtickets for her husband and two kids to be given to her in cash and perhaps give one to her mum to travel.

    Per her grade this is the family package, however, I softly and kindly (I hope) explained that as she is SINGLE and CHILDLESS, she was not entitled to the airtickets for phanton family members - it doesn't work like that. She went to two different leaders (Head of HR and SVP) to request, nae demand 'her' tickets but funnily enough recived the same message each time.

    OMG... :-)
  • in reply to Kirsty

    Hi Kirsty. Welcome to the Community.

    I've never had anything quite as blatant as that but I did once have an employee demand payment for their "un-taken sick-leave"; this being his optimistic reinterpretation of the rolling "two weeks in any 12 months" allowed for full sick-pay under his contract. He was very miffed when politely told: "No".

  • in reply to Kirsty
    Very cheeky, but I sympathise with her. I often think it is unfair that a single childless employee should receive worse benefits than those with families, just by virtue of their personal circumstances - I wonder if there are benefits which she can benefit from but those with families do not.
  • in reply to Lesley

    If I read it correctly the issue is not whether she gets free air-tickets, but whether she should receive payment for her non-husband and two non-children. It is not the "family" that benefits from the payment, it is the airline. In her case (it seems) she is asking for that money for herself!

  • At the other end of the spectrum to the one I started this thread off with, I had a field-based, salaried employee call me because he hadn't been given any sites to visit until 11.30am (normally they are on site from 9am or earlier). He wanted to know if he was still going to be paid for sitting at home with nothing to do.

    Please bear in mind that this is a *salaried* employee.

    What I said was: "If you were to work fewer than your contracted weekly hours in a week, we would still pay you for a full week; if this happens in future, you're welcome to call your LM and tell him that you're doing tools maintenance or administration with your time, but you don't get overtime for sitting at home."

    What I wanted say was: "No, you moron, we don't pay you to sit on your **** and do nothing!"

    In a fun twist, he called me while I was in the middle of preparing a disciplinary report for an allegation against him of gross misconduct relating to... the false reporting of working time!
  • in reply to Robert James Munro
    Quite to the contrary in my organization. HR is seen as the disciplinary force. If you are summoned to HR Employees usually panic. It's like they're about to be punished.
  • in reply to Kellorna D.L

    That's a very negative and self-defeating view for the organisation (and its employees) to have, Kellorna, although it is where the old "personnel" function often used to lie.

    ....and workplace discipline is not there (or indeed permitted) to "punish". The objective of disciplinary procedures is to correct wilfully wayward behaviour. We can do this only by offering warnings that if the behaviour is not rectified then employment will be terminated, and eventually (if not) then "fairly" considering the contract breached by the employee, permitting their dismissal.

    Unless agreed contractually as a separate (civil) issue, there is nothing in statute that permits us to "punish" employees through impositions of fines, limitations of statutory rights or freedoms, diminution of status, or other "painful" outcomes, or the causing of any detriment beyond those inherent and coincidental with their (ultimate) loss of employment; for instance the ability to pay the rent or buy the new car they wanted.

    HR is most certainly not the company's "enforcer" and has no "big stick" to bash employees (including other managers) with!