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Things you want to say to employees but can't because you're professional...

Robey

Partly as a bit of fun, but mostly as an opportunity to vent...

Employee: "So what's my motivation for getting up at 5am to be on site for 7am?"

What I wanted to say: "Keeping your f-ing job? The fact that we pay you a salary far in excess of what your meagre skillset, dubious intelligence and questionable competence deserves?"

What I actually said: "Your professional pride in the delivery of an excellent service that our clients appreciate."

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  • in reply to Elizabeth Divver
    So, having moved to a new office with dubious plumbing I was accosted by a colleague who said I “needed to sort out the blocked toilets. There is poo everywhere”

    I politely informed her she needed to address her concerns to the office manager, not the HR manager as I am responsible for people, not their poo.
  • in reply to Vicky
    I had a complaint that someone had smeared excrement in the Ladies' toilet. As a small company, we don't have a facilities team, and our cleaners categorically don't do human waste.

    So guess who rolled up his sleeves and found a pair of rubber gloves and a bucket?

    But to Sarah's those are great! I have conversations like that first one all the time. I'm going through a grievance at the moment in which an employee is complaining that we made sickness absence deductions when he took a week off after injuring himself at work, despite the fact that he admitted he had been given the correct equipment, failed to properly assess the work or the risks involved and that it was entirely his fault. I have been biting my tongue a lot over that one.

    The third one is hilarious, though. I fear your candidate may have read lots of online "advice", because that question about "how close am I to getting the job?" sounds like the sort of thing US recruitment bloggers would recommend. And everyone wants to be an "influencer" these days. My Instagram feed is just a procession of tiny painted soldiers...
  • in reply to Robey
    With my H&S hat on (yes, I do have one) I might whisper quietly that the concept of the "Careless Worker" absolving employers from responsibility for injury has been history for some considerable time; failures such as you report now being considered as matters of poor training and supervision, but since you got away with improperly (if deservedly) withholding this guy's pay (this time) I won't. :-)

    On a brighter note, however, your story does remind me of a time when, following a disciplinary investigation, I discovered (by being told) that an employee had scrawled abuse about me all over a toilet in our warehouse and the guys finding it had got together and cleaned it all off so that I wouldn't know!

    That time all I wanted to say was: "Thank you", but couldn't as that would have defeated their object, and also let down the person who told me.

    P