"I am not the poo police"

In reply to Vicky:

Hi Vicky
There has to be a story behind this!

Just when I think it goes through a quiet patch, my lovely employees provide me with more material for this thread!

1. No, it's not possible I "made a typo" on your P60 because you "feel like I paid more tax than that". They are non-editable forms with data fed straight from your payslips (and if you want to 'threaten' me that you will check it by adding up all the tax from your payslips, you go right ahead. Oh you've lost 8 out of the 12 months' payslips and you'd like me to re-print them for you? My total pleasure, and that doesn't in any way make me doubt the accuracy of your perception of tax you've paid...)

2. No, I can't backdate your pension contributions to February "because that's when you first reminded me my opt-out would run out in June and I meant to do something about it earlier but I forgot." I can enrol you right now, but only going forwards, due to not having an actual time machine.

3. [This one from an interview candidate who pitched so relentlessly I felt like I was on the Apprentice board - we are NOT a pitch/sales-based industry so it was wildly off-base as an interview approach]:
Candidate "So now that I've shown you all the amazing things I can do, it's time for you to give me a breakdown of how the interview's going. How close am I to getting the job?!"
Me [out loud] I always give my full attention to each candidate during their interview, so I won't be taking an overview until after all the interviews have concluded.
Me [in my head] Do NOT look at other panel member who I can feel trembling with either suppressed horror or hilarity. If I have to work with this person, I'll have to quit. WHO BRINGS THEIR INSTAGRAM FEED to an interview and makes the panel look at it? WHO???

In reply to Elizabeth Divver:

So, having moved to a new office with dubious plumbing I was accosted by a colleague who said I “needed to sort out the blocked toilets. There is poo everywhere”

I politely informed her she needed to address her concerns to the office manager, not the HR manager as I am responsible for people, not their poo.

In reply to Vicky:

I had a complaint that someone had smeared excrement in the Ladies' toilet. As a small company, we don't have a facilities team, and our cleaners categorically don't do human waste.

So guess who rolled up his sleeves and found a pair of rubber gloves and a bucket?

But to Sarah's those are great! I have conversations like that first one all the time. I'm going through a grievance at the moment in which an employee is complaining that we made sickness absence deductions when he took a week off after injuring himself at work, despite the fact that he admitted he had been given the correct equipment, failed to properly assess the work or the risks involved and that it was entirely his fault. I have been biting my tongue a lot over that one.

The third one is hilarious, though. I fear your candidate may have read lots of online "advice", because that question about "how close am I to getting the job?" sounds like the sort of thing US recruitment bloggers would recommend. And everyone wants to be an "influencer" these days. My Instagram feed is just a procession of tiny painted soldiers...

In reply to Robey:

With my H&S hat on (yes, I do have one) I might whisper quietly that the concept of the "Careless Worker" absolving employers from responsibility for injury has been history for some considerable time; failures such as you report now being considered as matters of poor training and supervision, but since you got away with improperly (if deservedly) withholding this guy's pay (this time) I won't. :-)

On a brighter note, however, your story does remind me of a time when, following a disciplinary investigation, I discovered (by being told) that an employee had scrawled abuse about me all over a toilet in our warehouse and the guys finding it had got together and cleaned it all off so that I wouldn't know!

That time all I wanted to say was: "Thank you", but couldn't as that would have defeated their object, and also let down the person who told me.

P

Me - Where's X gone? I haven't seen her for over an hour and a half.

Her relative - Er....she's doing an errand for me off site. I couldn't be ar**d to fill my car up with fuel so I sent her but she is stuck in traffic.

Me - She didn't ask/tell me????

Her relative - (embarrassed grin)

1. As her line manager, she should have asked/informed me if she wanted to go off site (security, H&S blah blah)
2. It took her over 3 hours (she was on full pay)
3. Glad I start my new role in just over a week with hopefully more professional colleagues

In reply to Vicky:

Or kitchen monitor!

"work generally forms part of the employment contract, you should try it some time"

In reply to Allyson:

How many times have I so wanted to say that!

My personal favourite!

"I work all hours of the day clearing up their mess, I deserve more than they have given me, I can walk into any job tomorrow for 10k more!"

What I want to say

"yes you do work all hours but mainly clearing up the mess you have made, if it were up to me you wouldn't have had a pay increase let alone 5% and if you can get 10k more., WHY ARE YOU HERE!!"

What I did say

I understand your frustrations about working the hours you do, is there something we can do to support you. Do you think perhaps a course on Time Management would be useful to you and your team? The pay increase is set based on the annual profits of the entire company and cannot be adjusted at HR level.

We value your commitment to the business and would not want to see you go, if you feel that you not be compensated correctly let's arrange for a discussion with our compensation and benefits manager to go over the Hay Grading of your role...

Smile sweetly and offer the biscuit he has been staring at for 15 mins...

A day in the life.....

In reply to Amanda:

I agree that unfortunately you can not respond to someone who says they could earn more elsewhere to go and do so, but I wouldn't say that we didn't want to see them go unless that was true. My usual response is something along the lines of "that would be your your decision". If I have a good idea that someone's work is not great, I'd rather ask them why they think it takes them so long to get their work done than spend company money on training that isn't really needed. I don't provide biscuits.

Amanda, I hesitated before typing this as you have only posted 8 times. I hope you'll keep posting and we can disagree with each other respectfully. I think we may disagree fairly fundamentally about the purpose of HR but I also think that there other people who have contributed to this thread - and what a great thread it has been - who would be more in tune with you than with me.

In reply to Elizabeth Divver:

@ Elizabeth and Amanda
On a couple of occasions in my career I've actually told people that if they feel they can get 25% in another company, then they really ought to give it serious consideration. One occasion was when I was working near Calais, and the (very compentent) young tax manager regularly complained that if he returned to work in Paris he would earn at least 30% more. I agreed with him, but reminded him that the 40 hour week he put in with us would become a 70+ hour week working with a major law firm, that the quality time he had with his young family would certainly disappear, and that the very large house with massive grounds that he had in a low-cost regional city would have to be exchanged for a relatively small appartment. At the end of the day he did actually leave - but it was 7 years later, when the children were older.....

In reply to Nicola Reed:

I can really relate to this comment.. I imagine them seeing me with my hand hoovering over the telephone with a longing look on my face.. just waiting for that call...

In reply to Elizabeth Divver:

Elizabeth of course I will keep posting.. when there is disagreement there is also a chance to learn.. :-)

Unfortunately the person in mind for my post is unfortunately a very much needed member of staff with no succession planning and as far as I can work out the only person with valuable knowledge about a legacy system.. in my short time here I have had to smile sweetly and please the person in question. Yes.. I have made it my mission to resolve the position the company is now in but this particular issue has run out of the time needed.. there will be another post I am sure when I am asked.. why has this happened?

My general rule is not to give the wrong attention in these situations..
and for the record.. I eat biscuits...but I don't share :-)