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Its a word that sadly some people now use as almost punctuation in conversation

You could/should have a word with the individual letting them know you are uncomfortable with the constant use of that word and asking them to stop using it.

It will then come down to two things (1) if he can actually or if its so ingrained into his lexicon that he will continue to use it unless constantly and repeatedly reminded. and (2) What the attitude of your wider management team is.

Hi Shweta,

Having taught in a boys' school for many years I know how this word can be so overused and so uncomfortable to hear.

Firstly, as Keith says, is he actually using it as a swear word or is it just his way of speaking. There is a difference in how you approach the two. If he is actually swearing this could indicate personal issues and will need more careful handling. It may be that the job is beyond his ability and he's losing control, he could have anger management issues, he could be frustrated, or he could be having a personal crisis such as separation from his wife. Dealing with the personal issue should then solve the swearing problem.

If it's just the way he speaks, which is the most common reason these days, it is more difficult. Think of your language - given your organisation you probably use the term 'web based' a lot. Now imagine you had to conduct your daily life without saying this phrase. Difficult, isn't it? It would take a lot of conscious re-learning. How you do this depends on your relationship with him, and the culture of the company; if everyone's doing it then you're facing an uphill struggle.

I found the way to dramatically reduce it (you'll never stop it) was to explain the origins of the word. In Medeaval Europe (including England) there was a feudal right called 'Droit du seigneur' - the right of the Lord. This was where the Lord of the manor had the right to sleep with the bride of any one of his vassals on the first night after the wedding. This was colloquially known as *** - Fornication Under Consent of the King. I have yet to come across a male who isn't horrified by the idea when the origins are explained to him, and consequently then finds the word very distasteful and avoids using it.

A caveat: I am usually very pedantic in researching my facts, so I have to admit that with this I haven't researched it too deeply because, to be honest, I find it far too useful. Were it to be proved false I couldn't then use it with a clear conscience. It sounds logical and plausible, so in this instance that's good enough for me.

Next time he uses it, just as an aside say "Do you know where that word comes from?" and explain the story. Don't make it a big deal, it's just another piece of information. Making it a big deal gives the word power.

Good luck!

In reply to Keith:

Thankyou for your advise. I have seen our CEO using it couple of times in quarterly business reviews. Do you think it could be influenced from there?

Hi Shweta,

This is one of those situations where being the target gets in the way of objective thought.

If another employee came to you with this concern you would have no hesitation in asking the offending employee to tone it down - after all the company has an obligation to provide a working environment that is not hostile and the language being used can still be reasonably considered 'hostile' even if it's use is increasing.

Can you raise this with the employee's manager and ask them to deal with it? You don't have to reveal that it is you that is raising the complaint. You could simply say that a complaint has been raised.

If you don't get any joy with that approach could your manager support you?

If this person know their language was causing offence they may be horrified and stop using it - or at least pull themselves up and apologise when they do.

If it really is intolerable and the informal approach fails you could consider raising a grievance which would force the issue due to the obligation to provide a working environment that is not hostile, etc.

I wish you luck

Debi

In reply to Teresa:

Thanks a lot Teresa. This is starting to make so much sense. Really appreciate you taking time out and helping me in this :). I will start to use that approach and see how it goes.

In reply to Deborah:

Thankyou so much !, yes I was thinking on the similar lines initially but wasnt sure if my approach was right. I think sometimes we need re-assurance that we are taking the right steps :). Thankyou for taking out time and responding.

In reply to Shweta Thorat:

If the CEO uses it then it will be far harder to eradicate. The shadow of the leader plays a large role here.

I am not convinced personally that explaining the etymology of the particular word will make that much difference but i suppose anything is worth a try.

In reply to Keith:

@Keith & Teresa
Whist it's an amusing story I remain highly skeptical about the etymology - more likely it finds its roots in the old German "***" (to f***) or old Dutch "fokken" (to breed)....

I'm with Keith and Ray on this one. The objective is to relay the cause and effect of using inappropriate language, and in order for the message to get through it needs to be delivered clearly and assertively. Adding history - as interesting as it may be - might undermine the importance of this exercise so personally I wouldn't include it in the conversation.

In reply to Ray:

Hi Keith,

Oh absolutely, as Dutch is a Germanic language it's almost certain they're from the same origin. I am usually pedantic in researching my facts, but as I said earlier I have deliberately not researched it too deeply because, to be honest, I find it far too useful. It sounds logical and plausible, so in this instance that's good enough for me - might as well make an 'urban myth' work for it's money :)

In reply to Teresa:

For the record, it is an entirely false etymology.

To the comments already given by others, I would add four points:

1. If it is only this individual with this tendency, your position is stronger than if you are the only one in the office not doing it.  If, on the other hand, most people follow his example, but he just happens to be the one sitting closest to you, your position is rather weakened.  In both cases, you need to know whether you have the company culture in your favour or against it.

2. In either case, your argument will be stronger if, rather than saying "I find this uncomfortable" you can say "this is bad for business".  If your office has open phone lines or external visitors, you can make a good argument that this sort of language risks offending a customer - which is of far more interest to the business leadership than offending the HR Manager.

3. If you can't make the argument at (2), and if the corporate culture is more in his favour than yours, you will need to bear in mind the potential ramifications to you and ask yourself how you want yourself and the HR function to be viewed.  "Politically correct" is the least bad accusation that might be made.

4. In the optimistic assumption that he is sympathetic and genuinely would like to dial it down, I can recommend the use of replacement words.  I find "feth" a particularly satisfying alternative, but pretty much any swearword in German does the job, too.

In reply to Robey:

Wikipedia has it's effin' uses.......

en.wikipedia.org/.../***

- personally, can't get too excited about four letter words that are merely synonymous with usual bodily functions, excepting perhaps when deployed as a substitute / cover-up for dysfunctions in the vocabulary department.

In reply to David:

PS

Funny what one remembers from early childhood, but this little comic ditty is still imprinted in my little brain, doubtless because it was a little smutty and was at the time very topical with it - given that  (in)famous obscene book trial:

O dear, what can the matter be?

O dear, what can the matter be?

What can have happened to poor Lady Chatterley?

Banged in the woodshed from Sunday to Saturday

Using those four-letter words.

In reply to Teresa:

Hi Teresa

Are you not worried that one of these days you will try this technique on someone who will tell you that your derivation is incorrect? Then what will you do?

I'm with Robey: you are much more likely to effect this situation if you can demonstrate a negative effect on the business.

In reply to Elizabeth Divver:

Hi Elizabeth,

It's never happened yet! If someone starts regularly swearing, without due cause, I will always initially respond with "Language..." delivered with a smile and a pointed look - my Paddington Bear special. If this doesn't work then I'll start with my Droit du Seigneur 'fact'. To date this has been enough (and yes Robey et al, I have already admitted here that it's incorrect, but as with all good urban myths it's perfectly logical).

Were anyone ever to challenge me with the truth I'm ready. I would reply with congratulations on being the first to do so (assuming of course that what they were saying was, in fact, the real truth). I would then ask why someone who was obviously erudite and educated felt the need to use such a dysphemism on a regular basis. However you have to have full confidence in yourself in order to appear genuinely interested and concerned.

I still think that with something like this a nudge is the best approach. Swearing like this is something that is ingrained in him, it's part of his psyche, so he must want to change it. Thayler & Sunsteins book 'Nudge' (2008) puts it like this: 'A nudge, as we will use the term, is any aspect of the choice architecture that alters people's behavior in a predictable way without forbidding any options or significantly changing their economic incentives. To count as a mere nudge, the intervention must be easy and cheap to avoid. Nudges are not mandates. Putting fruit at eye level counts as a nudge. Banning junk food does not.'

But, at the end of the day I am not in the situation that started off this thread. It may well not work here or with this person, but I can't know this. All anyone can do is suggest what has worked for them in the past; whether this will work for someone else is up to that person to decide once they've read all the options listed here.